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Distraught man unable to find a gif good enough to announce wife’s death

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A week ago, Tony Stevens’ wife Audrey sadly passed away. In those long seven days, Tony has had to deal with her belongings and close bank accounts and pack away the many things that made up their forty year marriage.

But yesterday came the real test — it was time for Tony to tell the wider world that Audrey had died. Tragically though, he was unable to find a gif good enough to do it.

Despite spending almost two days searching sites like reddit, 4chan and giphy, Tony, 69, just couldn’t find a gif that adequately summed up his wife’s passing, causing him unimaginable heartache.

“It’s incredibly hard,” says Tony. “I tried several sites and the closest I could get was a couple of moments of Joey pretending to cry on Friends and one of an upset woman from Real Housewives of Orange County. But that one ended in a fight so it was no good.”

Tony’s frustrating search has meant that the couple’s friends and family are still unaware Audrey is no longer with them.

“I could call them or something, but what would they get out of that? You can’t retweet a phone call. If I can’t find an engaging four or five second moment from TV or movies from the last thirty years to illustrate Audrey’s passing, then she may as well have died for nothing,” sighed Tony.

“There was one, brief moment when I thought I’d found a Game of Thrones gif that might have done the trick, but I couldn’t get it to link properly. Not in the right size.”

At this point Tony became quite distressed and we felt we should leave him to his search. We asked if he’d like to say a few words about Audrey, but he declined, instead showing us a gif of Patrick the starfish from Spongebob Squarepants with his eyes welling up with tears.

“Hahah, that’s classic,” he said, tweeting the link.

 

 

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Couple “incredibly grateful” for strangers’ unsolicited parenting advice

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A young couple has told of their thanks for the constant stream of parenting advice given to them by pretty much everyone they encounter, whether those people have any experience with children or not.

Steve and Elaine Smith had their first child just a few months ago, and are convinced that without the invaluable contributions of strangers on a daily basis they probably would have cooked it or accidentally thrown it away by now.

“I can’t thank the general public enough really,” said Elaine. “Whenever I take our baby to the shops or maybe a restaurant, I get an endless number of comments about how I’ve put him in the seat incorrectly, or that his outfit is completely wrong for the weather or that whatever he’s eating is probably poisonous because of something they’d seen in the Daily Mail that morning. It’s such a boost.”

And Steve agrees. “I can’t tell you how much it makes my day when people I’ve never met come up to us, look at the baby, then look at Elaine and then at me and say ‘good job he got his mother’s looks!’ — it puts a real spring in my step, especially when they follow it up with ‘he’s got his Dad’s hairline too’. I just want to hug them.”

Elaine has now had almost a year of unsolicited advice from strangers, beginning when her pregnancy began to show at five months and a man on the bus told her she shouldn’t expect to get a seat because she ‘wasn’t pregnant enough’.

“Oh it was wonderful,” smiles Elaine. “It was the first time I understood how much I had to learn about mothering, and I was sure to wear my “baby on board” badge after that with pride every day as I stood for the entirety of my commute.”

The pair are now hoping their upcoming holiday to Malta will continue to bring the best out of mindful people and teach them the error of their ways.

“It should be fantastic,” said Steve. “Hopefully we’ll be watched intently by people at the departure lounge while they mutter that they hope they’re not sat anywhere near us on the plane. Then presumably halfway there if the baby cries even briefly we should get plenty of tutting and hearing ‘that kid’s far too young to be on a plane anyway’. That’ll teach us to want a break abroad from work, which we’ve saved up for for four years. We really should know better.”

Steve and Elaine’s respective mothers have also vowed to pitch in whenever the young couple visit, and have both bought woolen hats to put on the baby’s head because “He’s cold for christ’s sake can’t you see that? Look at him he’s shivering. Give him here. Dear God.”

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Everyone you’ve not heard from for a while on facebook now selling discount sunglasses online

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In an incredible coincidence, everyone you’ve not interacted with for years on facebook is now either selling cut-price Raybans or Oakleys online, through facebook.

That guy Steve who added you after you were both waiting for a coffee at a Starbucks in 2008 and got chatting and found out you both knew Sarah Richardson from school but you’ve never spoken to since has HUGE discounts on wrap-around Oakley sunglasses, at up to 75% off.

And in a surprising twist of fate, the middle-aged woman you’d completely forgotten you messaged once years back about trying to get a friend work experience at her company ALSO works at some kind of discount sunglasses retailer and is selling Ray Ban aviators at frankly fucking ludicrous prices.

In an even bigger development, we found out through a friend that even WE’D been unwittingly selling cut-price sunglasses on facebook and tagging random strangers in the adverts for them when a friend of ours cryptically posted on our page, saying “Seriously, if you get fucking hacked one more time I’m unfollowing and reporting.”

Amazing!

 

 

 

 

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Literally everyone online is fighting over whether this top is pink or cerise

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Here we go again. Remember a year ago when the internet collapsed in on itself trying to decide if a dress was white and gold or blue and black?

Well now millions of people are at each other’s throats over the color of this top, but what do YOU think? Is it pink or is it cerise?

We got a taxi to a local hospital and asked where intensive care was and then found an operating theatre and got hold of a doctor who was in the midst of performing life-saving surgery on a patient who had been involved in a car accident and got his opinion on the question that’s dividing the web!

“Ha! That’s an interesting one!” he chuckled, his gloved hands dripping with entrails. “My first thought is that it’s pink, but…hang on, hold it up a bit more…yeah it might be cerise actually! haha that’s fucking mental, let me get Steve, hang on…”

Steve, a 34-year-old anaethetist or however you spell it, didn’t fare much better!

“What’s this?” he laughed, wiping blood on his scrubs. “Go on then let’s have a look… ah it’s pink. No wait…cerise. No it’s definitely pink. What did you say it was Ian? Cerise? Haha fuck off, it’s pink!”

The pair playfully argued over the color for almost twenty minutes to shouts of “We’re losing him” and “yeah we lost him, I’m calling it. Time of death is 4.24pm” from the room down the hallway, but what do YOU think? Cerise or pink? It’s a toughie!

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White woman in her late 20s defies the odds to land publishing deal

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In a heartwarming tale of what can be achieved against all the odds, one young middle class woman from London has just realised a long-standing dream to become a published author.

Lucy Balham-Foxton, 28, from South West London, put pen to paper on a three-book deal with publishing house Hodder and Stoughton, who will be releasing the first installment of her series “Girl on instagram” in the summer of this year.

The books tell the story of a young, white, middle-class woman living in South West London, and the struggles she faces trying to promote her fashion blog on instagram.

“I got the idea for the book when I was struggling trying to promote my fashion blog on instagram,” says Lucy, who only started the blog two days ago.

“I called my best friend Rebecca who is a literary agent in Chelsea, and told her about it and she absolutely LOVED the idea. I can’t believe what’s happened since.”

“From the moment she told me about the idea for the book I knew it would be a hit,” says Rebecca. “I immediately rang our best friend Harriet who signs new authors at the publishing house Hodder and Stoughton and she was just blown away. We talked about nothing else over dinner that night at the house we share together with Lucy.”

The next morning, Lucy signed her publishing deal, and incredibly, the rights to a movie version of “Girl on instagram” have already been snapped up — something Lucy could never have expected in her wildest dreams.

“I could never have expected it in my wildest dreams,” says Lucy. “The first I knew of it was when one of my best friends called Ben who works at Sony Pictures deciding which books should be made into films called me and asked if I’d written any books.

“I replied that I had, and he said ‘what’s it called’ and I said ‘it’s called Girl on instagram’ and he said ‘ok that’ll do’ and now I’ve signed a million-pound-per-book script development deal with Sony Pictures. It’s absolutely flabbergasting.”

Lucy is aware of the gamble she took when she left a highly paid position at her father’s newspaper in order to pursue her dream of blogging full time, but encourages others to do the same.

“It was incredibly hard, I won’t lie,” she says, close to tears. “In order to concentrate fully on the blog I had to move in with my friend Holly who works at BlogLovin’ deciding which blogs get featured the most on their homepage. I started the blog, which was all about trying on a dress I’d seen earlier that afternoon, and a day later I had 100,000 followers, which was just a wonderful surprise.”

What happened next inspired her future best-seller.

“I was struggling to promote the blog on social media between 9am and 10am on that first day because instagram was down. I called my friend Alex who works for instagram, and she said it would be back up any minute and it just came to me in a flash. Like, this is it. This is the story.”

And the reviews have been nothing short of astounding.

“I cant’ believe the reaction,” smiles Lucy. “My boyfriend Olly who writes book reviews at the Guardian gave it five stars and described it as ‘the new Da Vinci Code.’ I don’t think he’s given a five star review since my father gave him the job. I couldn’t be more honored.”

And Lucy’s advice to any aspiring writers out there is truly inspirational.

“Just go for it. Even if you get hundreds of rejections. It might take you years and years, but remember, if you sacrifice enough, there’s a tiny, tiny chance you might make it one day. Don’t give up.”

#thankslucy

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Two days on – and I still can’t think of a Bowie tribute that will get me enough likes

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It’s been two days since he left us. The Thin White Duke. The Starman. Ziggy. The Spider from Mars. The Benny and the Jets. The Piano Man himself. The Boss. The Midnight Cowboy. The Night before Christmas.

And it’s been the most difficult 48 hours of my life. As I sit here listening to his “Best of” album on Spotify, taking in these wonderful songs that while I may not have heard before I can certainly stream for free, I am — like everyone else — struggling to find the words, or the image, that will somehow make his tragic passing sufficiently about my own presence on social media.

How do you sum it up? A career like that? How do you sum up a six-decade legacy using just one internet meme? More to the point, what if you find an inspirational quote that you think sums it all up and it only gets, say, fifteen likes on facebook? What kind of tribute to the great man is that? It would be pitiful, that’s what it would be. An insult to “Ol’ Blue Eyes” himself.

For two entire days now I have searched google images, and relentlessly monitored twitter, and yet NOTHING I’ve found is shareable enough. NOTHING I’ve found would get my facebook friends to think “Wow he must have really liked David Bowie, he never mentioned him once but that is such a good quote that if I repost it I’ll probably get a lot of likes as well” and thereby think of me as a great producer of social media content.

So yeah, I might not have been Bowie’s “biggest” fan. I may not have owned any of his “records”, and maybe I couldn’t tell you what country he was from or any of the movies he was in, or name any of his “achievements” or even what he looked like or how to spell his second name. But God damn you his death hit me harder than my own mother’s when she called me on Monday to tell me he’d died and that I should really get something up on instagram as fast as possible if I wanted people to know how sad I was.

Well I’m struggling, Mum. Two days have been and gone and as these tears stream from my eyes, perhaps the moment has passed. Other people have got there first and posted gifs and think pieces and now THEY’VE had the glory rather than me.

Anything I posted online now would just seem, frankly, like an insult to
Bowie himself. The Man in Black. The King. The Waterboy.

I’m sorry Damien. I let you down you. But I PROMISE when the next celebrity dies I’ll make up for it. After all, in your own, inimitable words, “Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try.”

I should photoshop that on a picture of a mountain actually Mum I need the laptop

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The 8 people you need to unfriend on facebook

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We spend most of our waking lives on facebook, but did you know that the friends you have on the social networking site can have a direct influence on your own life and feelings? Life’s too short for negativity so these are the people you need to unfriend – and FAST.

1. The murderer

For years now you’ve put up with Jim’s posts about politics and sports despite the fact he murdered someone about ten years ago. Sure, everyone needs a second chance, but it was a really awful murder. Sorry Jim, you’ve got to go!

2. The drug dealer

Yeah, it’s handy to have someone that can bring you a few grams of coke at 2am, and the one time you considered having someone beaten up it was your drug dealer friend who passed you a name and number. But should you have to put up with his constant Buzzfeed recipe videos? Nuh-uh. Sorry, but you’re CUT!

3. The Somalian pirate

Look, everyone enjoys photos of beautiful beaches. But come on, it’s been seven years since you were taken hostage by Somali pirates while holidaying off the coast of Kenya, and you’re STILL getting candy crush requests from the ring leader? Enough is enough, time to unfriend me hearties!

4. The guy who played Warren in “There’s something about Mary”

Ugh. That movie was made in 1998, and it was hilarious, especially the part where Warren gets upset about people touching his headphones and he physically assaults them. But having him as a facebook friend 17 years later? Nope. Sorry buddy, but you can be Cameron Diaz’s pretend retard brother somewhere else. “Frank and beans!” Frank and UNFRIENDED more like!

5. The astronaut

For christ’s sake. We get it. You’ve been to space on three occasions and done vital work on the upkeep of the international space station. Big whoop. We all know someone like this. Give it a rest buddy, with your panoramic vistas of the sun rising six times a day over Madagascar. How about some videos of disabled cats with wheels for legs for change? No? Well then you can find another facebook friend ‘cos you’re deleted!

6.  The Irish Wolfhound

You’ve already hidden this guy’s posts from your newsfeed but you can’t help seeing when other people you know like his posts. And frankly you’re done with it. Bones, bones, bones. More photos of bones. A hubcap, the bottom of a tree and more bones. Alright already, ENOUGH. Now, SIT. And wonder why I’ve unfriended you. *Clue, it’s because of the endless posts about bones.

7. The fortune cookie writer

Again, we all have this guy as a friend on facebook. He’s the one that works at the place that put motivational messages inside the cookies that you get with chinese food. And doesn’t he like to remind you about it – all. the. time.
“You’re the builder of your own future.” Oh yeah? Well you should have seen this unfriending coming then! Delete!

8. Dad

For fuck’s sa… NO Dad, I don’t know what’s wrong with Paula. And NO I don’t know where the insulin is. Now GET OUT OF MY ROOM. Ugh, UNFRIEND.

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