A political expert with over three weeks’ experience has reluctantly agreed to return his Facebook page back into a library of mundane cat pictures and jokes about his dinner in the wake of Britain’s Brexit referendum.
John Johnson, a barman from London’s trendy Hoxton, had hoped his extensive campaign of memes, borrowed opinions and videos of John Oliver shouting would pave the way for a new career in politics. But as the United Kingdom’s Brexit campaign draws to a close, he has been politely warned that a return to his weekend lunchtime shift may be a financially better option.
Despite claiming to be the first person to draw comparisons between the price per person of Britain’s involvement in the EU and the cost of neutering a cat – something he believes swayed the vote in his favour – his boss is understood to be unwilling to allow him time off work to embark on a fresh campaign pointing out the similarities between Donald Trump’s angry face and a masturbating Tamarin monkey.
“I really feel I could have made a difference,” he said. “I just feel the American voters need a fresh perspective that I could have given them. I had it all planned out – start with the monkey, and if that fails, point at them all and call them racist idiots instead.”
Johnson has already begun to repopulate his wall with pictures of animals and food, but has taken solace in a video of a dog standing up in a swimming pool, which is really, really funny.