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Mum once again amazed by long-lasting bunch of flowers


A mum in her fifties has once again expressed her surprise at a bunch of flowers lasting for quite a long time.

Sue Davis, 52, from Nottingham used a phone call to her son from a landline to tell him she couldn’t believe the flowers he sent her on her birthday two weeks ago were still not dead yet, despite them lasting pretty much the same amount of time as every bunch of flowers.

“Can you believe those flowers you sent me are still going?” asked Sue of her son Ian, who was in the middle of trying to watch a vital Premier League game on a Sunday afternoon.

“Wow yeah,” replied Ian – the same words he used when Sue had called him about the longevity of the flowers he’d sent her for Mother’s Day a few months previously.

“It must be because I put them on the window sill by the toaster, it gets a lot of sun back there,” continued Sue.

“Ok Mum I’ve got to go, I’ll call you next weekend,” said Ian.

“Don’t forget to get that cough looked at,” said Sue, “I read an awful thing in the Daily Mail about men not going to the doctor last week, I’ll cut the article out and post it you,” said Sue.

“It’s fine Mum I’ll find it online.” said Ian.


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Man in his thirties only playing Pokemon Go “to see what the fuss is about”


A 36 year-old man from London has spoken about how he’s not actually playing Pokemon Go seriously and in fact only downloaded it “to see what all the fuss is about.”

Steve Trendy from Brixton, who runs a start-up company providing organic smart watches for dogs, also says that he isn’t enjoying the game at all, saying it’s just for kids and that he only plays it “to gain some insight into the software involved.”

“Yeah I can take it or leave it personally,” said Steve, looking over our shoulder furtively and then staring down at his iphone. “It’s actually hilarious seeing all these people running around the place around looking for Bulbasaur or Wartortle or Parasect or whatever they’re called, I don’t know the names. It’s a bit sad to be honest.”

Steve, who spends up to 17 or 18 hours a day playing the game around the streets of south London in the same clothes he’s worn for ten days, says he’s disappointed at the way Pokemon Go has taken over the lives of so many young people.

“Yeah it’s depressing really,” said Steve, wiping donut jam from his Pikachu T-shirt and twitching. “You’d think with the summer here folk would be at the park enjoying the sunshine with friends or something rather than obsessing over their phones. The world’s gone mad. I can’t see it lasting though. Oh by the way can you just move to the left a bit there’s…er…something I need to see behind you.”

Steve, known locally as “Pokemon Steve”, says that he’s gathered the technical information he needed and will soon be deleting the app, “as soon I’ve found Tentacruel and Poliwag.”

“You…you haven’t seen them have you?” he asked us with tears welling in his eyes.




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Hero facebook user spots grammatical error in firefighter’s obituary


Heroes rarely get the credit or the recognition they deserve. They don’t stop to think, they just act. They don’t worry about their own safety, they simply disregard conventional rules and start DOING.
That was certainly the case when Stephen Morris, a facebook user in his mid-thirties spotted a typo in a post mourning the passing of firefighter Dennis Gray of Brooklyn.
While browsing facebook one morning last month, Stephen saw a post by Ladder 23 company announcing that Dennis had sadly been killed while attending a blaze in downtown Manhattan the previous weekend.
“My mouth dropped open,” recalls Stephen. “They had written, ‘we ask for YOU’RE donations to be sent to the St Joseph church,’ rather than YOUR donations.

“I knew I had to do something, but the question was what.”

Fortunately, the answer to that question came swiftly to Stephen, and he quickly put down the coffee he was drinking and set to work.


“It was over in a flash,” says Stephen, shaking and wiping a tear away. “I clicked on the comment box under the posting and it was like my fingers were a blur, I wrote “Um, I think you’ll find it’s YOUR rather than YOU’RE. Surely if you can fight fires you can master simple grammar. I will be asking people locally not to donate to the department summer fundraiser until you guys rectify this error.’

“Looking back on it I’m just glad I was able to bring their attention to it, because if you let stuff like that go then what’s next? A missed 911 call? A kid left in a blazing apartment?”

As of writing the post remains uncorrected, although there have been thousands of other comments wishing Dennis’ family well.

“I’m not sure what the guy’s name was who died or whatever,” says Stephen. “But I know he would want his friends to know the difference between your and you’re. One means belonging to you and the other is a shortening of you ARE. Jeez.”

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Political expert agrees to return to posting pictures of his cat


A political expert with over three weeks’ experience has reluctantly agreed to return his Facebook page back into a library of mundane cat pictures and jokes about his dinner in the wake of Britain’s Brexit referendum.

John Johnson, a barman from London’s trendy Hoxton, had hoped his extensive campaign of memes, borrowed opinions and videos of John Oliver shouting would pave the way for a new career in politics. But as the United Kingdom’s Brexit campaign draws to a close, he has been politely warned that a return to his weekend lunchtime shift may be a financially better option.
Despite claiming to be the first person to draw comparisons between the price per person of Britain’s involvement in the EU and the cost of neutering a cat – something he believes swayed the vote in his favour – his boss is understood to be unwilling to allow him time off work to embark on a fresh campaign pointing out the similarities between Donald Trump’s angry face and a masturbating Tamarin monkey.
“I really feel I could have made a difference,” he said. “I just feel the American voters need a fresh perspective that I could have given them. I had it all planned out – start with the monkey, and if that fails, point at them all and call them racist idiots instead.”
Johnson has already begun to repopulate his wall with pictures of animals and food, but has taken solace in a video of a dog standing up in a swimming pool, which is really, really funny.
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Married couple now communicating solely through light switches


A London couple, married for eight years and with two children, now only make their feelings known to each other by going around the house turning lights on and off.
Steve and Debbie Jones of Bexley haven’t spoken a word for almost eight weeks and instead use the wall switches to make it clear to their partner just how angry or upset they are.
“For some reason Debbie needs to have every single light in the entire house on at any one time,” explained Steve to us, angrily hitting the switch on the wall to turn off the bedroom light. “Apparently electricity is free now, so why not, I mean it’s not like I get an enormous fucking bill to deal with at the end of the month.”
“Well apparently it’s now acceptable to live in almost total darkness,” countered Debbie loudly as she marched into the bedroom and turned the light back on again, before walking out.
“It’s cool if the kids bang their heads on a dresser because they can’t see anything right?”

There have been signs of compromise however. Debbie celebrated Steve’s birthday last week by allowing him to keep the big light in the living room off until almost 9pm, while he made allowances for their wedding anniversary by not visibly seething when she kept the light above the cooker on as a ‘night light.’

The pair are now looking into whether any common ground can be found by installing dimmer switches.



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This kid had never seen a guitar before in his life. What happened next will call you up, ask you if you’d like to go for a drink one night, sound disappointed, ask you if you’ll change your mind, sigh loudly, hang up, then text you a week later to see if you’ll consider it again because the Marvel movies are generally very good and the effects are supposed to be just spectacular but it’s cool if you’re still busy just let me know when you have an evening free and maybe we can grab a drink or something before the movie no pressure not like a date or anything like that it’s just since you broke up with Steve I feel like you and I get on a lot better almost like we’re thinking the same thing you know? Haha anyway yeah let me know about the movie and I’m honestly sorry about the photo I was checking for a lump and I wanted to show it to the doctor so he could see what I was seeing and it just uploaded itself to the text I sent you



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Amazing! Man catches baby while holding baseball


The home crowd goes wild as Hartley shows off the child he plucked out of the air

What a catch! Just incredible. There were hearts in mouths at Wrigley field as eight-month old baby boy Dylan Matthews sailed off the back of the bat and 90 feet up into the night sky, but Cubs fan Keith Hartley, with his favorite baseball safely cradled in his right hand, nonchalantly reached over the short brick wall with his left and caught the plummeting infant one-handed. The fan dropped neither the baby (who was sucking on a bottle) nor the ball.

First-base umpire Jerry Meals originally ruled the play a foul, as the baby came high off the bat and shot into the home crowd. But that was overruled after a replay showed Hartley caught the child cleanly.

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Cubs fan Hartley is high-fived by a Dodgers player for catching the flying child

“I thought it was a good play,” Dodgers pitcher Zack Greinke said of Hartley’s catch. “A baby is a tough thing to catch at that speed. And it could have a full diaper.”

“That was outstanding,” Cubs manager Joe Maddon said of superfan Hartley. “You worry about the ball, of course, but it looked like he had it under control. It looked like he’d done it before, almost. That was a great play.”

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